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You can follow him on Twitter?]Ugh I can’t write anything today It’s the end of the year Tomorrow is Christmas You’d think I would have something to say Merry ChristmasOh wait you can’t even say that anymore I’m Jewish I have to say something like Happy Holidays I don’t even know what Hannukah is Does any Jewish person know what Hannukah is We made up some battle that has no historical basis so we could have a holiday around December 25 itself a holiday where the history was somehow manipulated to be on December 25 For all we know 5000 years ago some Ethiopian warlord had a birthday on December 25 and ever since then we’ve been trying to line up our calendars to match hisOk Happy HolidaysOh I know what I will talk about It’s fascinating I just got my results from 23andMecom a company started by Sergey Brin’s wife Anne Wojcicki to do genetic testingDo you know the siteHere’s what I had to do They shipped this vial to me and I had to spit into it until it was half full You ever try spitting for five minutes For some reason my wife Claudia watched me the entire time There’s something sexually unpleasant about itThen I had to put the vial in a carefully sealed box I live in New York State which apparently is the one state in this great republic we live in where it is illegal to do any sort of genetic testing so I am not allowed to mail the vial from this state What’s up with that Andrew Cuomo Do you have something to hideSo I had to give the box to a friend of mine Brian who lives in New Jersey “I don’t want to give it to him” I told Claudia the week before “Why not” she asked “He’ll just put it in his mailbox” “He’s going to forget about it” I said “and then he’s going to feel pressure to do it and then will feel bad and I don’t want anyone to feel bad”Brian came over and Claudia gave him the box He said to me “Are you just doing this in order to get a blog post out of it”“No way” I said “this information is too personal I would never blog about it”“Why is it sealed wrong” he said There were two flaps that were supposed to be tucked under but they were sticking out The box now looked like this weird paper airplane Claudia made her usual joke “James went to get a PhD in computer science and now he can’t seal a box”Brian to his credit just nodded his head and said “Got it” And took the box A few weeks later he wrote me and said “Dude I’m sorry I haven’t sent it yet I’m putting it in the mail today”This morning Christmas Eve Day I woke up with an email from 23andMe saying the results were in I could now know everything about my genetics What sort of shit my mom and dad left me in their twisted DNAA few months ago I met with a friend of mine who had his genes tested I asked him what the number one thing he learned was He said “I learned that my father is my real biological father” I was surprised that this was news to him “Apparently a lot of people cheated on each other” he said “and these genetic results are showing people the truth”Well I look a little like my dad so no worries there And my mom had polio so she wasn’t getting around much (sorry Mom)But I did learn that my father’s ancestry is either Bedouin or an Ashkenazi Jew Or both I almost like thinking of myself as Bedouin Like Omar Sharif in Lawrence of Arabia Either way my ancestors are either from North Africa or the Middle EastMy mother’s ancestry surprised me She is all northern Europe Hmmm Most people with her “haplogroup” are Scandinavian I wonder if this means I should get blue contact lenses I wonder if she knows she’s Scandinavian instead of Jewish I wonder if she also knows that according to 23andMe SUSAN SARANDON IS A DISTANT RELATIVE through her side of the family Good thing I never married SusanI’m looking at this in realtime as I write this They give me three warnings before they let me see the Alzheimer’s information Okay okay I get it Most people are wimps and are afraid to find outAm I related to Miss Scandinavia She actually looks like a younger version of my mom a littleOh no Apparently between the ages of 50 and 79 I have a 142 out of 100 chance of being diagnosed with Alzheimer’s as opposed to a normal 72 out of 100 One of my parents was kind enough to give me an APOE 4 gene (the other gave me an APOE 3 gene) which is associated with twice the risk of gettingAlzheimer’s Goddamn them I knew one of them was a loser but I just don’t know which oneI have another 35 years to go before I’m 79 so hopefully one of you techcrunch geniuses will be able to figure out a cure before then Do it for me if anything And I think I can handle the odds of 86 out of 100 that I won’t be diagnosed Good for me In the community section on 23andMe there are now support groups for people with the APOE4 gene Like they need a 12-step program for having bad genesMoving onParkinson’s Again with the warnings Okay here we go: I’m at the upper end of average Average is 1 percent to 2 percent of people get it I’m at 19 percent Okay good I’ll exercise a lot to get that extra dopamine kicking inThe disease I’m most likely to get based on my genetics is Type II Diabetes I have a 38 out of 100 chance of getting it when the average is about 25 out of 100 But there are environmental factors that include obesity so I don’t think I will get it That’s about it Oh I have an increased risk of glaucoma Which once again proves my dad is my dad He had it his mother had it her mother had it And so on We’re all good thereSo the worst that can happen to me is that I go blind lose my memory lose my ability to manufacture dopamine and have a heart attack and/or stroke (thanks to the imminent diabetes) The best that can happen to me is that maybe I can call myself a Bedouin Or a North African I like thatGood news for my two daughters: I don’t carry any mutations for breast cancer (Ashkenazi Jews are apparently at higher risk of this) Nor am I a carrier for “” which must be some predisposition to like all movies with Renee Zellweger No wonder I didn’t like Bridget Jones Diary despite so many others of Bedouin or Ashkenazi Jew descent loving the movieGenetically disposed to not like herUh oh Bad news I have three times the risk of becoming a heroin addict Which is too bad because I was thinking if I was ever in great pain for something then morphine or heroin would be my drug of choice Hmmm Have to file that one away Can I at least take Percocet It doesn’t sayHere’s where they are completely wrong Apparently I’ve inhererited an ability to “effectively learn from errors” Hahaha “People with the GG genotype learned to avoid choices associated with negative feedback relatively easily” It’s taken me a long time to learn I don’t know how effective I was when I was trying toOh this is cool 25 percent of my genome comes from Neanderthals At last I knew I wasn’t human Oh wait Unfortunately 25 percent is average We killed them and raped them back in the day and all of us are basically 25 percent NeanderthalMy kids will probably be surprised to find I have no risk of Tourette’s Syndrome A lot of times when I randomly think of something embarassing that happened to me in the past even from 30 years ago I’ll shout out “No” by accident They’ve had to explain to their friends that “Daddy does this sometimes” and Claudia has gotten used to it But apparently this is all me and not from my genesTwo other things that could affect my life It turns out I am not likely to be a very good sprinter I have no working copies of the ACTN3 genotype found in many world-class sprinters So if a mugger is chasing me my best bet is to just give him all my money and not try to outrun him I kind of suspected this one alreadyFinally I am genetically disposed to have a higher sensitivity to detecting the smell of asparagus in my urine after eating asparagus This is true Thank you 23andMe and God Bless You All[See also?and PLEASE] however popular,christian louboutin shoes." 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